I have spent the last 3 months living my life a little bit more "in the moment" than normal, which I believe has been good for me, for the most part. In order to counteract the pain and loneliness that I felt when I was alone, I was able to spend a lot of time with new friends and family, getting to know people that I probably never would've gotten to know otherwise. I have had MANY fun adventures, doing activities that I never would've experienced otherwise, I have met some amazing people, and gotten to know many different life stories that I wouldn't have known otherwise.
However, in between all of these experiences, the pain continued whenever I was alone, and I found myself becoming so bitter that I couldn't even walk into specific stores without wanting to vomit, or see specific groups of people without feeling instant hate toward them. This probably doesn't sound like me... But it's true. I was having serious issues and finally realized that I needed to find forgiveness in order to truly move forward and find a new kind of happiness, similar to the one that I had known previously. In talking with a mentor, I realized that forgiveness was not going to happen overnight, but that little by little, it WOULD come if I prayed to have it, and put my faith in God, Christ, and the atonement. And sure enough, as I've recommitted myself to studying the Book of Mormon and praying to receive that forgiveness, it has slowly started to make itself manifest in my life.
It is in this state of mind that I was reading in Mosiah today, and stumbled across the last verse of chapter 7, "But if ye will turn to The Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." This verse jumped out at me because, quite literally, it was a simple scripture that described exactly how my experience this summer has gone. I am seeing more and more God's hand in my life, the people that He placed here to help support and motivate me through these struggles... The kind words of assurance, the hugs and encouragement... And many of those came from people that aren't necessarily within my "inner circle", if you will.
I know God has been keeping an eye on me. I know that He has been with me through this last year of nearly unbearable struggles. I don't know the purpose of those struggles, or why I needed to go through them, but I know that because of them I will be stronger and find a happiness so much greater than what I thought I wanted that I won't even be able to express my appreciation for these struggles. I have been blessed so much... Particularly through what I believe is my calling in life: to be there for the young people with which I interact with nearly daily. There are few things that could pull me away from them, but this early spring I was willing to do it if it meant I got what I thought I wanted... But now spending time with those kids again these last several weeks, I understand more and more that THIS is where I am supposed to be, and that is why I didn't get what I thought I wanted. I have a life full of purpose... I have a life full of meaning... I have a life full of people that I love and adore, and who love and adore me in return. I will get where I want to be soon enough... But for now, I am putting my trust in The Lord and allowing Him to mold me into whatever it is He needs right now. I have turned to Him, and in so doing, I know He is helping me out of my current bondage. I could not be more grateful for such a kind and loving Father in Heaven. I am truly blessed :)
No comments:
Post a Comment