I was recently over in the UK for my summer vacation, and so of course we had to take TONS of pictures of EVERYTHING. and, although there were certainly times when I really was happy in those pictures, there were several nights that I found myself looking through those pictures and calling myself a fake. Here I was, posting pictures on all of my social media to LOOK like I was just so, so happy... But in reality, my heart was crushing itself inside of me.
I hate crying, mostly because I don't like people to know that I actually have feelings like that, but I cry all the time now when I'm by myself... ALL THE TIME. It doesn't matter where I am, if I'm by myself the lonelines, heartache, and regret settle in as all of the memories that once brought me so much joy run through my head. When school is going on, my mind is distracted, I have plenty of things to occupy my mind and keep myself positive, but this whole summer thing is KILLING me... The time I have to THINK is more than I can handle. Think think think... That's all I do. Which means that crying usually follows.
What can I do to overcome this? I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible, but there's just so much time... And finding someone new hasn't exactly been working out for me. I have so many questions for God... Questions that I've asked, and I know he's going to answer when he's ready... But I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to be patient enough as I wait for those answers. I just want to love and feel loved again. It's happened once, it can happen again... But when?
Hey Sara. I read this post and I just want to give you a hug. I used to think people who were feeling depressed just need to get over it and make themselves feel happy. Well when I started suffering from depression it took me a long time to admit it, and it ripped me apart every day. Not just me, but Meredith too. I had a good job, a beautiful wife and daughter, I was healthy, and I just couldn't figure out why I hated myself so much. I wish I could say I figured out the secret to not being sad and angry, but I don't have it. Things got better, but it just took some time and some help. I talked to Meredith about it, and I admitted to myself that I had a problem. That way I could recognize it for what it was when it reared it's ugly head. Whenever I felt that self-loathing coming on, and I began to feel sorry for myself, I would think about my friends in Ecuador. They have so little, and temporally speaking they don't have much to look forward to, but they keep on going with a smile on their face. You may not be getting the type of love you're hoping for, but you are loved. Thanks for being my friend.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jack