I was recently over in the UK for my summer vacation, and so of course we had to take TONS of pictures of EVERYTHING. and, although there were certainly times when I really was happy in those pictures, there were several nights that I found myself looking through those pictures and calling myself a fake. Here I was, posting pictures on all of my social media to LOOK like I was just so, so happy... But in reality, my heart was crushing itself inside of me.
I hate crying, mostly because I don't like people to know that I actually have feelings like that, but I cry all the time now when I'm by myself... ALL THE TIME. It doesn't matter where I am, if I'm by myself the lonelines, heartache, and regret settle in as all of the memories that once brought me so much joy run through my head. When school is going on, my mind is distracted, I have plenty of things to occupy my mind and keep myself positive, but this whole summer thing is KILLING me... The time I have to THINK is more than I can handle. Think think think... That's all I do. Which means that crying usually follows.
What can I do to overcome this? I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible, but there's just so much time... And finding someone new hasn't exactly been working out for me. I have so many questions for God... Questions that I've asked, and I know he's going to answer when he's ready... But I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to be patient enough as I wait for those answers. I just want to love and feel loved again. It's happened once, it can happen again... But when?
