God is aware...

So I don't think that it's any surprise to anyone when I say that the last year has been REALLY difficult for me. I had a plan for my life, and as time moved forward I felt more and more confident that my plan was going to happen, and I would live happily ever after. Then, feelings were shared, feelings were hurt, bitterness arose, and even when hope would rise again, feelings that continued to be shared always gave way to more disappointment, more realization that my plan was not going to go as planned, and eventually that my plan would never even come close to unfolding. And that's where my summer of depression and pain began.

I have spent the last 3 months living my life a little bit more "in the moment" than normal, which I believe has been good for me, for the most part. In order to counteract the pain and loneliness that I felt when I was alone, I was able to spend a lot of time with new friends and family, getting to know people that I probably never would've gotten to know otherwise. I have had MANY fun adventures, doing activities that I never would've experienced otherwise, I have met some amazing people, and gotten to know many different life stories that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

However, in between all of these experiences, the pain continued whenever I was alone, and I found myself becoming so bitter that I couldn't even walk into specific stores without wanting to vomit, or see specific groups of people without feeling instant hate toward them. This probably doesn't sound like me... But it's true. I was having serious issues and finally realized that I needed to find forgiveness in order to truly move forward and find a new kind of happiness, similar to the one that I had known previously. In talking with a mentor, I realized that forgiveness was not going to happen overnight, but that little by little, it WOULD come if I prayed to have it, and put my faith in God, Christ, and the atonement. And sure enough, as I've recommitted myself to studying the Book of Mormon and praying to receive that forgiveness, it has slowly started to make itself manifest in my life.

It is in this state of mind that I was reading in Mosiah today, and stumbled across the last verse of chapter 7, "But if ye will turn to The Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." This verse jumped out at me because, quite literally, it was a simple scripture that described exactly how my experience this summer has gone. I am seeing more and more God's hand in my life, the people that He placed here to help support and motivate me through these struggles... The kind words of assurance, the hugs and encouragement... And many of those came from people that aren't necessarily within my "inner circle", if you will. 

I know God has been keeping an eye on me. I know that He has been with me through this last year of nearly unbearable struggles. I don't know the purpose of those struggles, or why I needed to go through them, but I know that because of them I will be stronger and find a happiness so much greater than what I thought I wanted that I won't even be able to express my appreciation for these struggles. I have been blessed so much... Particularly through what I believe is my calling in life: to be there for the young people with which I interact with nearly daily. There are few things that could pull me away from them, but this early spring I was willing to do it if it meant I got what I thought I wanted... But now spending time with those kids again these last several weeks, I understand more and more that THIS is where I am supposed to be, and that is why I didn't get what I thought I wanted. I have a life full of purpose... I have a life full of meaning... I have a life full of people that I love and adore, and who love and adore me in return. I will get where I want to be soon enough... But for now, I am putting my trust in The Lord and allowing Him to mold me into whatever it is He needs right now. I have turned to Him, and in so doing, I know He is helping me out of my current bondage. I could not be more grateful for such a kind and loving Father in Heaven. I am truly blessed :)

Smiles? Or hidden tears....

It has been a really rough year for me. By far the most difficult, heart-wrenching time that I have ever had to experience. But the hardest part has been trying to stay positive and moving forward with my life, particularly the last 2 or so months. I put a smile on my face when I leave my bedroom and try to keep it there as much as possible so no one will know the real pain that I'm experiencing. I don't know how else to deal with it... Because the more I think about the pain, the worse my sadness and depression gets. 

I was recently over in the UK for my summer vacation, and so of course we had to take TONS of pictures of EVERYTHING. and, although there were certainly times when I really was happy in those pictures, there were several nights that I found myself looking through those pictures and calling myself a fake. Here I was, posting pictures on all of my social media to LOOK like I was just so, so happy... But in reality, my heart was crushing itself inside of me. 

I hate crying, mostly because I don't like people to know that I actually have feelings like that, but I cry all the time now when I'm by myself... ALL THE TIME. It doesn't matter where I am, if I'm by myself the lonelines, heartache, and regret settle in as all of the memories that once brought me so much joy run through my head. When school is going on, my mind is distracted, I have plenty of things to occupy my mind and keep myself positive, but this whole summer thing is KILLING me... The time I have to THINK is more than I can handle. Think think think... That's all I do. Which means that crying usually follows. 

What can I do to overcome this? I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible, but there's just so much time... And finding someone new hasn't exactly been working out for me. I have so many questions for God... Questions that I've asked, and I know he's going to answer when he's ready... But I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to be patient enough as I wait for those answers. I just want to love and feel loved again. It's happened once, it can happen again... But when?

Decisions Determine Destiny

Well, the decision has been made, and I now feel like I am being forced to find a new route for my life on my own. It's not the direction I wanted to go, but it's the direction I felt I was being pushed from many different angles towards, so here I am.



Words cannot describe the sadness, hopelessness, desperation, and loneliness I have felt over the last several months. I have searched and searched for internal peace, but even now, after making what seemed like the necessary decision, I have a hard time finding it. I know God has a plan for me, and I am becoming more and more open to that plan with every passing day, but it has been VERY difficult to do without the constant peace that usually comes to me after making a right decision.



However, what I do know is that I have righteous desires in my heart for what I want in my life, and I have lived, and will continue to live, worthy to receive those blessings. I know God will see fit to give me what He thinks is best in His own due time, and that I just need to be patient and get rid of the time table that I had set for myself 2 1/2 years ago.



I also have a better understanding of what I need in an eligible husband - Someone who will love and cherish me, while still balancing the other activities going on in his life. I need someone who will be there for me, and let me be there for him when he needs it. I need someone who will let me be included in his service opportunities so that we can grow stronger TOGETHER in our love for the Savior. I need someone who will want to go to the temple, read scriptures, and pray with me. And I will need someone who will see past all of my faults, and see the person that I am trying to become. But the number one thing is that he will WANT to spend quality time with me every chance he gets.



If nothing else, these have been eye-opening experiences for me, and I'm just so grateful for all of the friends and family who have tried so hard to be there for me, as a listening ear or just support for me to lean on during these times of trial. I hope I can be there for you during your difficult times as well.







Now, to end all of this talk and move forward in my life, I have my new favorite song that I know describes how the next several months of my life will be - Because 3 years is a long time to move forward from... But I'm sure it can happen :)

But to end on a happier note, this is what I look forward to having in the future! :)

So, to my future husband, I'm excited to meet and get to know you! Hopefully sooner than later :)

A New Beginning...

Next week will be a new beginning for me. It could be a new beginning in one of 2 directions - With the man I love and adore, or on my own, finding a new direction to my life.

I have been waiting for this day for 2 1/2 years now, and am excited, and a little nervous, about what this new beginning will bring to my life. For most of that time I had hoped that it would be the beginning of my life with someone who I knew cared very deeply about me and I for him. Unfortunately, the past several months we have each had doubts at times, and because of those doubts, and time apart of course, we are definitely not the same 2 people that we were 2 years ago. So we shall see what happens with us...

If nothing else, at least our relationship ended up helping a lot of other people, and gave both of us life lessons that we will never forget :)

Here's to a new beginning!

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination; happiness is to be found along the way not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it's too late. The time for happiness is today not tomorrow." ~ Quoted by Paul H Dunn

Ponderings at the Close of the Year...

Today is a big day - It's the last day of school of my 2nd year teaching, and 1st year at Davis High. It's been an interesting year (or 2), and although I'm THRILLED that it's over (sorry, it's been a bit of a stressful year, between teaching, getting my Masters, and constantly coaching basketball), our faculty luncheon today has got me thinking...

At the end of year faculty luncheons, we do our goodbyes to those who are retiring or moving on. Because it is Davis' Centennial year, there are several "teaching giants" that have finally decided to "ring their bell." The interesting thing about this process is that these teachers are not just co-workers, or people that I have seen in the halls over the past year. They are people whose classrooms I sat in during high school, and almost more importantly, heard my friends talk about. Pam Coburn was a teacher that I was told I ABSOLUTELY HAD to take AP Psychology from. So I did, and her coffee breath right in my face has stayed with me all these years - But so has her passion and love for the subject she taught. Although psychology was never my favorite subject, I learned enough to earn a 4 on the AP test, and more importantly, I learned how a great teacher teaches - With passion and love for the students.

The tributes and words spoken by others today about Gary Taylor, Dave Miller, along with the others, have left me thinking - What am I bringing my own students? These "giants" are all AP teachers, and have years and years of statistics that tell them what great teachers they are. I, however, am on the low end of the totem pole, which I prefer, and as I thought about what my students say about me, I wondered... When they talk about how hard I am, is that a bad thing? Then I had a thought enter my head, which I looked up online but couldn't find so I guess I'll take it as my own... It was, "I don't have high expectations because I want to see you fail. I have high expectations because I want to see you soar." I don't know that there is anything that could describe how I feel about my students better than this.

It has been a struggle of a year, especially the last month or so, but I'm so grateful for all of the many wonderful blessings that my Heavenly Father has given me. My students are often at the forefront of my mind, as I constantly am wondering what I can do better to help get them more engaged or understanding a concept better. I know I can always do better, but I hope they know how much I care about their success - And how INCREDIBLY thrilled I get when I get to watch them succeed at the level that they want to.

Not only did I have students and TAs come in to have me sign their yearbooks today, but my basketball players came in and we got to enjoy a couple of minutes together. I cannot describe how much love I have for these girls. I love and have high expectations for my students, but my basketball girls, past and present, are literally the ones who have gotten me through almost all of my trials in life, without even knowing it. I know I can be a hard coach, saying things to them that they don't like to hear, but it's because I want to see them come together as the team that I know they have the potential for. I want to see them soar! And there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing those improvements and confidence boosts that raise them a little higher to that soaring level.

So, will I ever have AP test scores and thousands of kids proclaiming their love for math because of me like those retiring today? Most likely not. But I hope I will touch at least a couple of lives for the better, the way that others in the education and basketball industries have touched my own.

Random Thoughts

So I don't really write on here much (obviously), but I'm having a bit of a moment, so here are my thoughts ...

God has a plan for me. Has this plan fulfilled my expectations? Ha, nope, not at all. But I know that it's right. Even on nights like tonight, where I just wish my man was here to put his arms around me, squeeze me tight, make me smile so wide that I felt like my face couldn't handle it, and tell me that everything is going to be just fine. But then I remember that I am a woman... A STRONG woman. A strong woman with God and my Savior at my side. And I don't NEED Mark here to do all of those temporal things because we do not have a temporal relationship. We have a spiritual relationship with God above us, and through Him and my Savior's atoning sacrifice, all the hurt and pain and bitter loneliness that I feel will be wiped free. Mark and I will be together again in just ten more months... Time has flown, and it will continue to fly, as we keep God at the center of our relationship. 

Never give in to the awful temptations of the adversary. Do NOT become his. Always LOOK UP instead :)

Grateful This Christmas Season

It's Christmas today, and there are many things to be grateful for... It's the celebration of Christ's birth, I don't have to teach for 10 days, I don't have any Master's homework for 2 weeks, there's a tiny break in basketball that gives me a few days to literally do WHATEVER I WANT!!! I'm together with my family, I get to think of fun presents to give to my family members (my mom's present is my favorite... I can't wait for her to open it!!!), my extended family is loud and so much fun... It's definitely a fun time of year. But this year there is even more...

My youngest brother has been on a mission in Uruguay for the last 2 years, and he's coming home this Saturday. I put up a rough front about waiting for him, but we'll be celebrating Christmas next Monday after he's come home and we've had a chance to get through his homecoming and such. I'm extremely grateful for him to finally be coming home... It feels like he's been gone for FOREVER!!! It will be fun to have the family all together again.

However, this holiday season is also another mark (haha, no pun intended) for a special missionary in my life... Mark has been gone for almost a year (January 16...)!!!!!! It's funny... I get in the swing of life, and everything just goes "normally" - thinking about Mark at night, and sometimes during the day, but just kinda trying to stay on top of everything else throughout the rest of the day keeps me preoccupied. THEN there are days like today (well, there's really just 2 times a year like today, but ya know what I mean...) - I got to see Mark, I got to hear his voice, I got to tell him that I love him and hear him say it to me. I got to watch his mom cry because of how proud she is, and was actually quite surprised by my lack of emotion. And then I left the house.

It's funny how things change when you're by yourself and you can think and feel without anyone else around to make you feel "judged" or self conscious. Not that anyone in Mark's family would've made me feel that way (well, maybe Bret, but I really don't care that much what he thinks :P), it's just my built-in being... It's who I am. I DO NOT show the crying kind of emotion around anyone - I save that for when I'm by myself. And today was no exception.

I drove away, and instantly the loneliness set in. The feelings of inadequacy, the fear of getting hurt or being the one to cause hurt - It's all incredibly real when the person you love the most in this world is away from you for long enough, even when he's telling you that you mean the world to him in his weekly emails. Sometimes I hate being a girl, and it's times like these that I REALLY do. I drove to a special place where we liked to go to be alone and talk, and just listened over and over to my new favorite "Mark" song, Katy Perry's "Unconditionally" - It's great for anyone needing a love song :) I was feeling very picked on and "poor me" as I headed to a family party. Luckily, where family is and where there is time to not be alone, there also can help for stupid feelings be found. And I found it.

Between arriving and driving home, I realized what I had figured out this last spring... That I'm going to be a lot happier if I do something nice for someone else every time I start to feel sorry for myself. I came home and went to work. I still miss Mark - That will NEVER change, I swear - but what happens and is the great thing is that, at least for a few hours, I stop feeling sorry for myself. And I feel like that's what service is all about... Getting over yourself. Because guess what, it's not always about me, or you, or any of the crappiness that's going on in our lives. It's about figuring out how we can help those around us. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the greatest at this special gift from God, but I'm trying to be better, and Mark serving his mission only forces me to work harder at this gift.

So as I said... There are many things to be thankful for this holiday season, and although I am sincerely grateful for all of them, I am most grateful for Mark and what this time apart is teaching me. I've always figured I'm a pretty patient person, but God keeps showing me that I'm not. But alas, Mark is just about 2 1/2 minutes down, 2 1/2 minutes to go. I can do it, with God and Christ and a lot of family at my side!

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

One year... Woot Woot!

A year ago yesterday was the beginning of an amazing journey. It was full of decisions (some small, then others quite a bit bigger), started as attraction and intrigue that turned into love, and continued with sacrifice, praying that the future would only be brighter if we followed His Will. A year ago yesterday was my first date with Mark.

It's been nearly 6 months since Mark left on his mission, and I can honestly say that it's probably been the hardest 6 months of my life. Luckily, I've made good friends and found enough things to keep me busy in order to help the time pass quicker. As time has passed, I've also seen the blessings that have come from the sacrifice that Mark and I have made to be apart for 2 years. His example has helped me immensely in striving to improve myself to be the best that I can be while he's gone, and hopefully that will only continue once he comes home.

I was out running yesterday, and this song came on. I've never noticed it before, I just enjoy running to Yellowcard because their songs are so upbeat. I sort of listened as I was running, but once it was over I repeated it... then repeated it again... then ran faster as I kept repeating it. It seemed like the perfect song to celebrate this momentous day (I've never been in a relationship longer than... What, 3 months was the longest? Of course we were each out of the country for most of that, so I don't really count it as that long...).

Mark... This one is for you! I'm proud beyond belief of everything you have and will accomplish! Aku mencintai kamu, Kekasihku!

1 year older and... Wiser?

I'm back! Don't be too excited. Well, ok, you can be. I know my posts are so well written that people have been wondering for almost a year what I chose to do with my life! Let's sum it up in a quick sentence... I decided Texas wasn't for me, got a call that same day for an interview at Central Davis Jr High the next day, got the job, accepted it (they said I could stay on at Davis High... So nice!), hung around for a month trying to have fun, planned a trip to Puerto Rico, met the man of my dreams, started teaching, started coaching, and now the man of my dreams has left for 24 months. That last one is pretty bitter-sweet. The man of my dreams has left me for a short season to serve God. Don't worry, he did it with my (strong) encouragement. But who thought it would be as hard as it's been? Not me. But I think of the end result, and I know it's what we were supposed to do.

I'm so proud of Elder Wahlen and what he is doing! He is truly of the elect of the Lord, and I have been privileged to become apart of his life. Anyone who knows Mark knows what kind of missionary he is, and the kinds of influences he'll have on those he serves because they have experienced it themselves. Georgia is lucky to have him!

Texas vs. Utah

I got a call on Friday from the HR guy from the Ector County District in Texas (the Odessa/Midland area) telling me that he was going to send me a Letter of Intent for me to come teach and coach in his district. It was the answer to a lot of prayers that I've been saying lately ... But then I got to thinking, is that really where I'm supposed to be? I thought that going to Texas would be a great experience for me, especially since I'm still young and have nothing really holding me back here in Utah. Texas pays teachers about $12,000 more per year, and they pay coaches over twice as much as Utah. I really don't know why I have this sudden interest in Texas, I only know that when I talked to the 2 HR people from this district, I felt completely comfortable, and got really excited at the thought of going somewhere new to experience life outside of my comfort zone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd now it's 2 months later, and I'm finding that this opportunity has a lot of negatives to it. Odessa is REALLY far from my family and friends. All the effort that I've been putting into the basketball team at Davis High will almost feel all for nothing if I'm not there to celebrate with my girls. Connections that I've made in the Davis School District, South Davis Rec Center, and other places/people in Utah won't do me much good clear down in Texas. Who knows how many single LDS people will be in Odessa ... Since I WOULD like to get married eventually. But on the flip side, I can meet new people and make new connections down in Odessa, I can make more money doing what I love, I can have a great new experience in a place that not many people have been, and I have the possibility of finding a Texas cowboy :P haha. I really have no idea what I'm going to do yet ... I'll be fasting and praying a lot this month, and I know Heavenly Father will help me know what road will be the best one for me, but of course I'm still stressing and freaking out about making sure that what I do really is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. So, now I'm asking for your opinion ... Give me any of your yays or nays for why I should go to Texas or why I should stay home so that I can add them to my growing lists :)

It's that easy?

So... Graduation. Yup. I'm graduated :) It's official... I'm supposed to be an adult now.

I decided not to walk this final time, mostly because I'm too lazy to sit through all the other people graduating. All I need is the diploma and teaching certificate, and I'm happy. It ended up working out for the better. My family is going on a trip to Carter's mission the same day, so that's where I'll be during commencement :)

Looking for jobs has been a lot more stressful and widespread than I'd ever imagined it'd be. I've known for a few months now that maybe I wouldn't stay at Davis High, but my thoughts were pretty constant on Alaska or Indonesia. However, last month I talked to some HR people from a district down in Texas, and now I can't keep that out of my head.

I don't know why Utah isn't appealing to me like I wish it would... There are so many reasons to stay. My friends, family, current jobs... But something is lacking here. Or maybe I need to get away from something? I don't really know. I just know that I had similar feelings after I got my mission call, and that was by far the best decision I ever made for myself.

Who knows... I'm so confused on life right now that sometimes it hurts me inside. Some days I wish something would come along to keep me in Utah, but other days all I want is to head straight down to Texas. Any thoughts?

Life is BUSY!!!

School. Student teaching. Coaching. Other jobs. Trying to keep a social life (my mom keeps hoping I'll find that special someone... haha.). Busy, busy, busy. Life really has been so crazy the last few months, but it's also been incredibly fulfilling for me.

School is almost done... Like, until forever. As we say in Indonesia, ALHAMDULILAH! Or, as we say in Christianity, HALLELUJAH! It is going to be a blessed day :)

Student teaching has been a lot of fun for me, and like every other teaching position I've ever held in my life, it has just shown me again and again how right teaching is for me. I feel so blessed to have known since a young age what I wanted to do with my life, and then to have the help of Heavenly Father to help me pass all my classes (I still know I had TONS of help from the Big Guy upstairs in some of those math classes...), there is really nothing more that I could ask for in my life. The kids in my classes are great, and I've even found that I enjoy junior high A LOT more than I would've ever thought I would. The kids can get annoying, and yes sometimes they even have issues that I can't stand, but holy cow, they are SOOOOO funny! They are just so fun, and at least some of them think that I'm cool enough just because I'm young and like to play games :P

My coaching life is constantly going... Although right now I'm in a nice little "off-time" while I wait for the moratorium season to end so I can continue coaching the high school girls. I really just LOVE LOVE LOVE coaching. There is nothing better than having that type of interaction with kids who have the same passion as me. I LOVE being able to help them become smarter and more fundamentally set players. I cannot even begin to describe how much I love coaching. There is nothing in this world that has ever brought me more joy than playing the sport I love while interacting with others who love it just as much as I do :) I can't wait to get back into the gym here in a few weeks!

My other jobs are nothing special ... I just keep on scorekeeping and translating. Nothing that brings in a ton of money, but it brings in enough for me to eat and pay for gas.

And then the social life... Holy cow. What a lovely thing, right? I remember a day when I had something going on every night of the weekend (including Sundays), and was constantly playing with the friends. But now that I'm in Bountiful, it's been hard for me to find any groups or people that I can count on to hang out with. It's gotten a lot better the last few months, but some weekends I hardly even leave my house. Sometimes I wish I had a group of friends like I used to, but then again... I might be better off this way, because whenever I do hang out, it's always with new people, so I constantly get to know different people. Just keep trying til you find the right match, right? Well... At least that's what I hear.

All in all, life is good. I'm completely happy with where my career is going, and although I know I have a lot of things to work on in my life, I feel like I'm doing the best that I can with what I've got. Life is full of chocolates right now :)

My Utah Jazz

So I missed 2 basketball seasons while I was in Indonesia, and that was kind of hard for me. Luckily, my dad gave me lot's of updates on my team back here in Utah so that most of the names were not completely foreign to me (although the faces have been...) right before coming home.

However, there were a few changes that occurred to the team that I loved so much in the 2 seasons I missed. First and foremost, my Matty (Matt Harpring), whose jersey I would always wear on game days (whose jersey should I get next? Ya, I dunno either... Still waiting to see if Millsap stays around) retired from the NBA. After that, the news from my dad was just the normal ups and downs of the season. And the next season was a lot the same. And then, literally THE MONTH before I came home (I was SOOO excited to come home and watch my team play again!), all hell broke loose at the ESA, and each week, the news i got was worse and worse. First, Boozer was traded (but I wasn't that sad... I always thought he was a waste of money cuz of his inconsistency). Other items of business I heard about were Kirilenko and Kyle Korver. The biggest slap in the face, however, was Sloan retiring. I remember talking to one of my basketball friends in Indonesia (I practiced with teams in my last 2 areas, and the guys always loved talking NBA with me), and he was telling me about Sloan. I literally burst out crying, "What is going on in Utah? The only people left of my old team are Millsap and Williams!" Weeeeeeeeelllllllllllllll..... I shouldn't have spoken too soon. The next week, I came to practice and the same kid told me about Willams being traded. My heart literally sank, and I had no idea what I would be coming home to! Ugh, I was NOT happy.

Now I'm sitting at home watching my second game of the season... the Jazz are at the Nuggets, and THANK HEAVENS they're playing better, but last nights game was utter humiliation. It's still the first quarter though... We'll see what happens tonight. I just miss my old Jazz team... The team that I watched from the nosebleed section and my friends' couches. But......... Those days are as over as the Stockton to Malone days, so I should probably stop complaining and just keep on cheering my team on. So....

GO JAZZ!

My Eavesdropping Dilemma

So today on the bus I eavesdropped on ANOTHER retarded conversation. Although I'm an avid bus rider, I'm not a huge fan of talking to random people on the bus; I much prefer listening to what others have to say if I am not busy doing an assignment or tuning everyone out with music. HOWEVER, the last 2 days I have been caught listening to other peoples' conversations that have made me not just uncomfortable, but also want to yell at them, "GROW UP!" Let me go into a little bit more detail...

The other day, there was no other seat left on the bus except the very middle seat of the very back of the bus... In that position, I am kitty-corner to both of the side seats that face each other. On this particular day, I had pulled out an assignment that I needed to read, but was distracted by the girl sitting next to me and the guy sitting kitty-corner to me, because they were talking and this guy was fidgeting like no other college-aged person I'd ever seen before. I felt like I was watching a junior high boy talk to a hot college girl. But this guy is in college, and unfortunately the girl was not the most attractive beauty on the bus that day. So I just thought it was awkwardly funny. Then, as I continued trying to read, I kept getting distracted by their stupid conversation... His awkward laugh, her awkward conversation continuers... Seriously. Sometimes, people should just NOT try to flirt in public. As this guy was awkwardly trying to find a position that was comfortable for himself (which there must not have been one, because he COULD NOT stop moving), he put his foot up on his opposite leg, and guess what was right there next to his foot... MY FACE. I hate feet, and this tripped me out even more. After that, I couldn't tune out the conversation, and it went from school to nintendo to POKEMON. Yes, you read that right. POKEMON. I freaked. The next available seat I JUMPED out of my spot, and thanked Heavenly Father that I didn't have to sit between those two any longer. Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. Yes, He does.

The next day, I got my favorite seat on the bus, at the very back on either the right or left side. I like it because you can sit with your feet up on the metal thing behind the other seats. So I got that seat, and about 10 seconds later 3 girls come and sit on the seat kitty-corner to me. They were freaking out about something, and for the next 20 minutes I got to listen to them talk about (in a high, squealy, girlish freak out voice), "Omigosh, you were totally flirting with that boy!" "Omigosh, I was SOOOO not flirting with him. If I was flirting with him, it would have been SOOOO much more hard core than thaaaat, duuuuh." "Omigosh, are you serious? You have got to teach me how to flirt like that. I swear I can't even get a single boy to look at me the way that you can." ....And it just went on from there. While it was entertaining, after about 5 minutes I just wanted them to SHUT UP because it was getting really annoying listening to them. But, since they wouldn't stop and I wasn't about to move from my favorite place, I pulled out my Ipod and pretended to sleep until they got off the bus.

So this has caused me to think back on my own conversations with people, and I wonder... am I this annoying to listen to? GOSH I HOPE NOT.

"I know that God knows and loves me!" experience

Here it is the end of the month, and HOLY CRAP August has been a busy month! I moved out, Carter came home from his mission (nice to have ya back, kid!), Ben moved to Happy Valley (not the happiest part, of course... He is a Utah boy!), and tonight we're going to be getting together to watch Ben open his mission call. Yup... It's been QUITE the month!

So today I was in the math building at school to drop something off, and since nature was calling, I walked into the old bathroom. Now, a little background - my previous 3 semesters at WSU, I spent almost ALL my time in that math building, because I was studying with friends and just trying to make it through all my math classes. So this bathroom was used quite frequently by me during those 3 semesters. However, as I walked into the bathroom, the first (and probably only...) memory that came to mind was one of my "I know that God knows and loves me!" moments. Please allow me to elaborate.

It was my first semester taking math classes at the college level since my senior year of high school, and one of my classes was Calc 2. I was SUPER nervous about taking all these math classes, but had felt like it was what I was supposed to be doing. However, after I took the first test in my calc class, I realized pretty dang quick that it was going to be a heck of a lot harder than I could've ever imagined! I took my first test, and although I had felt good about it, the next class period my score was in the range of a nice F. Never before in my life had I ever gotten an F before! So then I started freaking out, wondering if math really was what God intended for me to do, or if I should just take the easy way out and do PE. After talking to a few people, I decided to take the class until our 2nd test had been given. If I failed that 2nd test, then I would have to drop the class and find some other subject that I would want to teach.

The days leading up to that test, I worked harder than I'd had to do for the previous 3 semesters I'd already been in college. It was like getting ready for the AP tests all over again! haha. But I worked hard, and came in feeling confident about that test - until I opened it and realized that I had no idea what most of it was talking about. And that was that - pure and utter defeat in the face of adversity. Obviously this wasn't what I should be doing, I'm not smart enough for this kind of stuff, and gosh dangit I'd be a FAR better PE coach than math teacher anyways. Then, suddenly, I got a little burst of energy, and decided to just do the best I could on the test. So I did. But don't worry, the bathroom part IS coming in soon...

The next class period, I came early. I sat at the back of the room (my usual seat), and fretted about having to switch all my plans around. I was nervous, I was anxious, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking or sweating. Finally, I decided that I needed to say another prayer to Heavenly Father, asking Him to direct me in what He wanted me to do, and to do so through my score of this test. I walked into that old, stinky bathroom, and I went into my own personal stall and said a very intense, faith-filled prayer. Then I went out to see what the rest of my life was going to consist of.

Long story short, a few minutes later I returned to that bathroom with tears in my eyes so that I could say another prayer to my Heavenly Father, but this time full of gratitude. Now Heavenly Father had truly affirmed what He wanted from me. That test was my highest scoring test that I EVER got on a math test at Weber. The Holy Ghost testified to me, through that experience, that this was EXACTLY what my loving Father in Heaven had in mind for me, and to keep working hard... He would be helping me through the entire group of courses that I'd be taking in the math core. And after 3 semesters of hell that I had to endure in the math core, I can testify today that He kept His promise. He was there with me every step of the way, and I'm so grateful for it!

This is just one of many hundreds of stories I could tell about knowing and feeling God's love for me. Maybe you could tell about one of yours on your blog? Or at least write it down in your journal. These experiences happen to strengthen and help our testimonies continue to grow and flourish, and they need to be written down so we don't forget them!

Why do YOU work out?

So I made my brother get out of bed early this morning to go to the gym with me and help me with a few new exercises to help my workouts be more productive. It was a HARD WORKOUT (I still can't go down stairs without my legs buckling...), and a great experience (the kid has no idea that a guy his size can carry A LOT more weight than a flabby girl my size...), and I definitely feel like we bonded :)

I've gone to the gym quite a bit this summer (that means like once, twice, or maybe, MAYBE 3 times a week... but hey, that's good for me!), and I was thinking today, why do I do that? Why do I go to the gym? Then the answer came loud and clear to me... I go to the gym so that I can eat.

I know everyone is different, and everyone has their own reasons for doing things. Working out is just another one of those things. People have their excuses for not going to the gym just as much as they do for going. I thought it was funny, as I was thinking about this, that most people's response to this question would probably be something like "Because I wanna look hot in my swimsuit" or "Because I wanna lose weight," or the best answer of all, "Because I feel good after I work out." Now, I'm not demeaning any of these responses - on the contrary, each of these answers is totally and completely applicable to the person saying it. So why am I different?

Well, let's start with the fact that I LOVE LOVE LOVE food! I just love eating... It's one of those things that I will do until I'm sick. I mean, I've gotten better the last few years at not over-eating, but it still happens. And probably always will. So, in order to still feel good about myself and at least feel like I'm trying to "look good" in that swimsuit, I am given 2 choices: 1) Don't eat as much, or 2) Work out as much as you can. Would I EVER choose choice #1? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. Therefore, I work out. Not a lot, mind you, but enough to feel like I'm at least trying to control myself.

Oh, by the way... I ate Indonesian food tonight, and it was DELICIOUS! Haha... That's why I wanted to have an extra good workout this morning - I knew I'd be overeating later that night. Gotta love it! :P

A good day at church

So WOW! The blogger in me is definitely coming out, because since Friday I've been thinking about what to write next on here, and how to formulate it perfectly so it's entertaining and interesting to read. Man alive... This whole blogging thing could have been a very, VERY bad idea :)

So this last month has been a not-so-easy month for me (for reasons not needed to be discussed, just believe me), but as I've been trying to have a better attitude this last week about life, God's plan for me, and being optimistic, positive, faithful and hopeful, I walked into church today. A usual activity for a nice, Sunday afternoon, but today was a little different. Because I felt like every single lesson was FORMULATED just for ME. Have you ever had that feeling? I've had one, MAYBE two lessons out of the three, but this was the first time it was all three.

Relief Society: So Bro. Moritsen taught the lesson today, and he used Elder Neal A. Maxwell's talk, "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds" which was FANTASTIC! My mom actually sent me this great quote from that talk about 3 months into my mission about how we HAVE to go through the bad things in life to know what Christ went through and be worthy to live with Him and Heavenly Father... Anyways, it was a quote that helped me MANY TIMES during my mission. So it was a lesson about what we need to do to get through all those difficult times, and it was EXACTLY what I needed after being a bit of a pessimist this last month. So now I'm going to be better at being positive, and looking for the good in things!

Sunday School: Here we talked about having a meaningful scripture study... not just reading to say you've read it, but to actually STUDY what you're reading. This is something I'm REALLY not that good at (never have been... even on the mission...), cuz I'm good at reading, pondering a bit, then moving on. I don't use a lot of footnotes cuz I don't think many of them apply like you hope they will (especially in explaining words I don't understand...), BUT I was chastised today, and I'm going to do better! I need to start spending more time and attention on the scriptures. One quote that stuck out to me was about how scripture study will increase your faith and drive to become better ... something that I need a lot. I mean, I have a drive to BECOME better, but then I face temptation, and fall. Horribly. So scripture study will help me resist those temptations and soar higher! I felt the truthfulness of that statement as I read and pondered it, and I know this is something that I need to do for myself.

Sacrament: So this was a GREAT topic, however 3 different talks about it made the meeting a little long. BUT the topic was on controlling our anger, which would then help us control everything else better. I must admit, my anger for the last few weeks has been pretty high... Almost to the point of boiling actually, a few times. But, again... We look for opportunities to serve and find the good in people, and that anger will be easier to control.

It was a great day at church! Definitely answers to prayers :)And THAT is how I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for me, and is helping me chug along to continue on with it!

Random Thoughts to Start....

So I've been home from Indonesia now for almost 5 months. Long time, huh? It's crazy. Since then, though, I've talked to my sister and best friend a few times about blogging, and decided that I should keep up with it for 2 reasons... 1) It might be a good way to write out my thoughts and stay updated with friends and family, and 2) the Prophets have said that we should use technology to share our testimonies and do some good. So, my main focus will be on number 1, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to incorporate number 2 quite a bit. So... Here goes my very own first blog EVER!

MOVING OUT: So I'm moving to Bountiful in 2 weeks, and I hate how much work goes into moving ... Too many things to sign, fill out, and PAY. My poor bank account is already so sad looking, but I know it's only gonna get worse as the year progresses. However, I'm SOOOO excited to be moving in with such great people! My cousin Connie has always been such a great friend to me, and someone that I always wanna be around. It'll be kinda weird to be around her almost 24/7, since we usually only see each other about 2-4 times a year, but it's definitely a change I'm excited for! Emily Richardson has been a good friend since junior high, and we lived together down at Snow when I was down there. She was always a role model for me, because she's such a good person who helps me want to be better ... but in a very down to earth way. And Liz Richardson is Em's little sister, who I coached my first year at Davis, and I totally love to death. I'm gonna be with a bunch of great girls who I'm hoping to learn a lot from.

Summer Classes: So this summer, I had to take a class so that I can graduate by next spring. It's a writing class. With an AWESOME teacher. Sure... I had assignments, I had books to read, I had to go to class almost every week... But the great thing about this summer class was how CHILL the teacher was. He wanted everyone to get an A, and he said everyone would, just as long as we showed up and did all the assignments (notice that there is no ON TIME added at the end of this sentence). So although my dad has gotten on me a few times for not being more motivated with this class, and waiting so long to get my final paper done (which is AWESOME btw if you're interested in WWII and Indonesia....), but that's what great about my class. I don't believe I could've spent my $800 on a better class :)

Fall Classes: And that leads us to the new school year starting in less than a month. CRAZY! I've got a full semester of education classes coming up... and did I mention that I got a SWEET grant and scholarship that is paying for it all? Thank heavens... There's no way I'd be able to pay for school and be able to live away from home without it. Thanks again, Obama!

YouTube video of the week: So I had a friend post this on FB the other day, and it has had me laughing ever since! I wish I was vocal as this little lady about what I want... haha. Then again, if I ever was, I'd probably only get the same response she did. Haha, either way... HILARIOUS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=Pw27dpOw9ps&sns=fb

I should add that I had my mom watch this, and the first thing she said was, "That is awful that the mother is egging this on." Is it bad that I know I'll do stuff like this all the time when I'm a mom?

hee hee....ia, saya pasti agak TRUNKY sekarang.... :P

well...i don't have much time cuz i took it all making sure we're set for next week, but in short, this last week has been pretty good.... we had goals as a district, and last week i said i was sick of us having goals but then never really trying to accomplish them, so this week if we all reached them, i'd take us out for lunch....i can honestly say that we all worked a lot harder this week, and we all reached the goals, and so friday we're going out to eat as a district. YAY!!! we had to get 2 new investigators, 2 lessons with a member, and find a new place or way to proselyte. it was good.

sister indira or effendi has been SOOO great this last week...i see a whole new light in her now that's she's decided to come back to church. she came on sunday, sat with the members, then after church hung around with them and ate lunch together....she's also been trying to help her family get more involved, inviting them to different activities and coming herself (she came to english class on thursday with her youngest son who came to my elementary class). she's so awesome....i seriously have come to love her SOOO much, and wish i could stay here as a regular member just to help her stay strong...but i guess i'll hafta do that from afar.

one of our new investigators was yesterday, and woman and her husband (who actually just happened to come home when we were talking about joseph smith). we had a nice (haha....) conversation about prophets, and the husband agreed to read the book, and decide for himself if the "fruits" of joseph smith prove him to be a prophet of God or not. with so many of our investigators, they don't go anywhere with the gospel (the interest level just IS NOT there...), but i love them all, and they love me too...which makes it hard when i wanna talk about the gospel, and they switch right back to obama....ya. i'm pretty sick of obama. but that's what's hard about leaving... i feel like all i've given them is a few minutes to talk to a bule....but what they really need is KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE RESTORED GOSPEL!!! ya...mom and dad, you'll see what i mean later.

we FINALLY met with vivi again, and i have some worries with her...not exactly with her testimony, just with how things are at home. i know it's hard for her to live with her mother-in-law, and that sometimes makes it hard for her to really want to focus on learning (she wants to learn for herself, not her m-i-l). but mom n dad, you'll meet her yourselves too. her stomach looks like kel's :)

bro paulus was a bit of joke last week. we had a member come with us to discuss the WofW, but as soon as we started talking about it, he came up with all kinds of reasons why that WASN'T something that jesus REQUIRED from us. it was a super hard lesson, especially cuz my comp "lost the spirit" and refused to say anything the whole time, so it was just me trying to help him. i dunno how much longer missionaries can work with him if he has an attitude like that...which i plan on telling him this week.

saturday is homemaking, and i'm gonna teach how to make caramel :) hopefully it goes well. sunday, i'm "allowed" to go to sacrament, but then i hafta go straight to the airport to go to jakarta....and that's that. tuesday you'll be here, and this dream of mine for the last 1 1/2 years will be over....the dream i NEVER thought i'd dream. so many friends, so many experiences, so much joy, so much pain, so much growth....so much a better person. how does God do it? we think this time we give to Him is so much, but by the end, we're the ones begging for more time, for more growth....because we haven't quite become the person we want to ... there's still so much more growth needed! and yet...when all is said and done, we are what we have become, we are what we have allowed Him to shape us to become....and then the real test starts. the test of, "can you keep this up in the REAL world, where you DON'T wear a nametag and carry around the white handbook and have someone checking on your every move?" i remember elder holland talking in the MTC, pounding on the pulpit and into my heart that "YOU CANNOT COME HOME THE SAME PERSON YOU LEFT! IF YOU DO, THEN YOUR MISSION HAS FAILED!" well...i'm not the same person, so i guess that means my mission has been a success. i'm so grateful for it. for anyone pushing aside this opportunity, DON'T. it will be the best decision you'll ever make. there is nothing that will compare to the time you give to the Lord, there is nothing that will compare to the blessings you recieve, and there is NOTHING that will compare to joy you feel. SERVE THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, MIGHT, MIND AND STRENGTH, AND YOU WILL COME OFF CONQUORER! (is that a scripture? i know the first part is, but i think i made up the last part.... :P).

and that's that. peace out my friends and family.... i'll be seeing ya'll soon. dalam nama Yesus Kristus, AMIN!

~Sister Sara Hewlett
Indonesia Jakarta Mission, 2009-2011

astajin! waktunya hampir habis...

another week has come and gone...and holy crap, time really is just totally flying here. i have moments where i get all trunky and ready to go home asap, but then i meet with investigators or inactive members, and i think, "how can i leave you?" i also went shopping today, and again thought, "how can i leave this place? the prices are just TOO good!" haha...as long as i have an american wage coming into my bank account :P it's been a bit of a roller coaster week.
so i'm really realizing how many problems this world creates for members of the church...well, for people in general, but because of the knowledge we have, i think it means a LOT more to us....ok...so the wording in this is kinda awkward, but hopefully you know what i mean. last week we visited one member whose son dropped out of college and just sits at home all day until his gf calls and picks him up, and he lives off her, and the mom is so stressed cuz they can hardly afford food much less their rent....and yet she has a perfectly capable son who is too lazy to work. her and her husband work hard, but they are VERY humble people, and if you would add in a 3rd income, it would help them a ton. so she was crying about that while we were there, and my heart just broke for her...i wanted to help, but how do you change someone who doesn't wanna be changed? you can't. so we just tried to help her the best we knew how....
then there's another member whose son has ditched school for the last 20 days....each of those days, she thought he was at school, cuz he'd leave for school in his school uniform, then come home around the usual time, and she had no idea til the principal called and started telling erik (the son) that if he kept up like this, he was a shame to Christianity, which made sis Indira just cry harder...now i'm working with him, trying to catch up on his english and math that he's missed so he can graduate his grade this year...and all because he was ashamed (holy crap my english is so bad...its malu in indonesian, but it has so dang many meanings in english i forget which one is best here!) because he didn't have books, but he was too shy to ask his mom for money to buy the books....but now it's all out in the open, and i think it's actually been good cuz it's really waken up his mom, who isn't active, and now she's decided to come back to church. she sent me a text this morning about how she usually wakes up and cooks breakfast and is just go-go-go all morning long, but this morning she woke up, prayed, felt really peaceful, then read from the scriptures which only helped, and then when her husband was getting ready to go to work, she asked him if he wanted to pray first, and he actually wanted to! so they prayed together for the first time in a LONG time. i got her text, and i literally screamed a little, and threw the phone to sari, saying READ IT, READ IT! haha. i was SOOO happy when i heard that. she's been away from the Lord for too long, and now her kids are getting to the age where she's REALLY gonna feel that. and she knows it. so now she's working to change it.
then ANOTHER inactive member has 5 kids under the age of 15, and we went to her house and SHE started crying because she gets no help from them, and she's basically a single mother (her husband is on another island working, and rarely gets time off to come home) with her own bread business that keeps her cooking and delivering ALL day, then she has to pick up and drop off her kids, and she was just EXHAUSTED. i felt so bad. her 2 oldest kids don't have the best of friends, and she never believes anything they say, she tries to help them but she says its just gotten to the point that she's better off not thinking at all, cuz if she thinks she just worries and then she can't take care of the younger 3....ugh. it's just a tough situation, with no help.
so then, the other day we were talking about the members in the branch, and how if they would help visit inactives, show they care, have a little Christlike love, a lot of our problems and worries as missionaries wouldn't be there cuz the members would take care of it. but they don't do ANY visits, so we have to deal with everything, and it's just ridiculous. this week, i actually wanna meet with the branch presidency and district president to discuss how to help us as missionaries....we spend so much time visiting inactives that go no where that sometimes it all just feels like it's for nothing. even if they do come to church once, they don't have any members that befriend them, so then they don't wanna come again. it's just....ya, a sad situation.
bro paulus was in charge of the activity for the priesthood quorum yesterday, and that just added to my frustration with the branch... he had a few people come and talk to him, but for the most part it was me and sari. THEN, before all the food was ready to go, everyone left to go play soccer....literally, EVERYONE, without any explanation. and we were all left wondering what was going on, and i don't think he was too impressed with it at all. not to mention that the new members (bro jon and sis pegi from sis rhondeau) were with the missionaries the whole time as well, cuz they have no friends in the branch either. it's just hard...no one even really TRIES to talk to anyone they don't know. i understand how they feel, but...at the same time, TALK! sometimes i think about getting a Temple here, and i think, if the work keeps going like this, it's NEVER gonna happen. anyone who joins immediately goes inactive, and then what? no progression. so ya...sorry, i've been pretty worked up about this the last few days.
we did get a new investigator this week who seems pretty cool. we're meeting again saturday. i told sari i think that was the best first lesson i'd ever been apart of. it was pretty good, and he had a lot of really good questions. hopefully he keeps the interest :)
anywho...this week i've been reading about Moses in the Old Testament, and it's funny how i've seen all the movies and stuff, but never actually read it all...it comes together a lot better if you read it :)
and that's my week...i love you all so much! ben, clean my car for me...and my room....and make sure my phone is still in good condition. cuz baby.....you're only getting one more email from me :P haha, loves!~
~Sister Sara