God is aware...

So I don't think that it's any surprise to anyone when I say that the last year has been REALLY difficult for me. I had a plan for my life, and as time moved forward I felt more and more confident that my plan was going to happen, and I would live happily ever after. Then, feelings were shared, feelings were hurt, bitterness arose, and even when hope would rise again, feelings that continued to be shared always gave way to more disappointment, more realization that my plan was not going to go as planned, and eventually that my plan would never even come close to unfolding. And that's where my summer of depression and pain began.

I have spent the last 3 months living my life a little bit more "in the moment" than normal, which I believe has been good for me, for the most part. In order to counteract the pain and loneliness that I felt when I was alone, I was able to spend a lot of time with new friends and family, getting to know people that I probably never would've gotten to know otherwise. I have had MANY fun adventures, doing activities that I never would've experienced otherwise, I have met some amazing people, and gotten to know many different life stories that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

However, in between all of these experiences, the pain continued whenever I was alone, and I found myself becoming so bitter that I couldn't even walk into specific stores without wanting to vomit, or see specific groups of people without feeling instant hate toward them. This probably doesn't sound like me... But it's true. I was having serious issues and finally realized that I needed to find forgiveness in order to truly move forward and find a new kind of happiness, similar to the one that I had known previously. In talking with a mentor, I realized that forgiveness was not going to happen overnight, but that little by little, it WOULD come if I prayed to have it, and put my faith in God, Christ, and the atonement. And sure enough, as I've recommitted myself to studying the Book of Mormon and praying to receive that forgiveness, it has slowly started to make itself manifest in my life.

It is in this state of mind that I was reading in Mosiah today, and stumbled across the last verse of chapter 7, "But if ye will turn to The Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." This verse jumped out at me because, quite literally, it was a simple scripture that described exactly how my experience this summer has gone. I am seeing more and more God's hand in my life, the people that He placed here to help support and motivate me through these struggles... The kind words of assurance, the hugs and encouragement... And many of those came from people that aren't necessarily within my "inner circle", if you will. 

I know God has been keeping an eye on me. I know that He has been with me through this last year of nearly unbearable struggles. I don't know the purpose of those struggles, or why I needed to go through them, but I know that because of them I will be stronger and find a happiness so much greater than what I thought I wanted that I won't even be able to express my appreciation for these struggles. I have been blessed so much... Particularly through what I believe is my calling in life: to be there for the young people with which I interact with nearly daily. There are few things that could pull me away from them, but this early spring I was willing to do it if it meant I got what I thought I wanted... But now spending time with those kids again these last several weeks, I understand more and more that THIS is where I am supposed to be, and that is why I didn't get what I thought I wanted. I have a life full of purpose... I have a life full of meaning... I have a life full of people that I love and adore, and who love and adore me in return. I will get where I want to be soon enough... But for now, I am putting my trust in The Lord and allowing Him to mold me into whatever it is He needs right now. I have turned to Him, and in so doing, I know He is helping me out of my current bondage. I could not be more grateful for such a kind and loving Father in Heaven. I am truly blessed :)

Smiles? Or hidden tears....

It has been a really rough year for me. By far the most difficult, heart-wrenching time that I have ever had to experience. But the hardest part has been trying to stay positive and moving forward with my life, particularly the last 2 or so months. I put a smile on my face when I leave my bedroom and try to keep it there as much as possible so no one will know the real pain that I'm experiencing. I don't know how else to deal with it... Because the more I think about the pain, the worse my sadness and depression gets. 

I was recently over in the UK for my summer vacation, and so of course we had to take TONS of pictures of EVERYTHING. and, although there were certainly times when I really was happy in those pictures, there were several nights that I found myself looking through those pictures and calling myself a fake. Here I was, posting pictures on all of my social media to LOOK like I was just so, so happy... But in reality, my heart was crushing itself inside of me. 

I hate crying, mostly because I don't like people to know that I actually have feelings like that, but I cry all the time now when I'm by myself... ALL THE TIME. It doesn't matter where I am, if I'm by myself the lonelines, heartache, and regret settle in as all of the memories that once brought me so much joy run through my head. When school is going on, my mind is distracted, I have plenty of things to occupy my mind and keep myself positive, but this whole summer thing is KILLING me... The time I have to THINK is more than I can handle. Think think think... That's all I do. Which means that crying usually follows. 

What can I do to overcome this? I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible, but there's just so much time... And finding someone new hasn't exactly been working out for me. I have so many questions for God... Questions that I've asked, and I know he's going to answer when he's ready... But I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to be patient enough as I wait for those answers. I just want to love and feel loved again. It's happened once, it can happen again... But when?

Decisions Determine Destiny

Well, the decision has been made, and I now feel like I am being forced to find a new route for my life on my own. It's not the direction I wanted to go, but it's the direction I felt I was being pushed from many different angles towards, so here I am.



Words cannot describe the sadness, hopelessness, desperation, and loneliness I have felt over the last several months. I have searched and searched for internal peace, but even now, after making what seemed like the necessary decision, I have a hard time finding it. I know God has a plan for me, and I am becoming more and more open to that plan with every passing day, but it has been VERY difficult to do without the constant peace that usually comes to me after making a right decision.



However, what I do know is that I have righteous desires in my heart for what I want in my life, and I have lived, and will continue to live, worthy to receive those blessings. I know God will see fit to give me what He thinks is best in His own due time, and that I just need to be patient and get rid of the time table that I had set for myself 2 1/2 years ago.



I also have a better understanding of what I need in an eligible husband - Someone who will love and cherish me, while still balancing the other activities going on in his life. I need someone who will be there for me, and let me be there for him when he needs it. I need someone who will let me be included in his service opportunities so that we can grow stronger TOGETHER in our love for the Savior. I need someone who will want to go to the temple, read scriptures, and pray with me. And I will need someone who will see past all of my faults, and see the person that I am trying to become. But the number one thing is that he will WANT to spend quality time with me every chance he gets.



If nothing else, these have been eye-opening experiences for me, and I'm just so grateful for all of the friends and family who have tried so hard to be there for me, as a listening ear or just support for me to lean on during these times of trial. I hope I can be there for you during your difficult times as well.







Now, to end all of this talk and move forward in my life, I have my new favorite song that I know describes how the next several months of my life will be - Because 3 years is a long time to move forward from... But I'm sure it can happen :)

But to end on a happier note, this is what I look forward to having in the future! :)

So, to my future husband, I'm excited to meet and get to know you! Hopefully sooner than later :)

A New Beginning...

Next week will be a new beginning for me. It could be a new beginning in one of 2 directions - With the man I love and adore, or on my own, finding a new direction to my life.

I have been waiting for this day for 2 1/2 years now, and am excited, and a little nervous, about what this new beginning will bring to my life. For most of that time I had hoped that it would be the beginning of my life with someone who I knew cared very deeply about me and I for him. Unfortunately, the past several months we have each had doubts at times, and because of those doubts, and time apart of course, we are definitely not the same 2 people that we were 2 years ago. So we shall see what happens with us...

If nothing else, at least our relationship ended up helping a lot of other people, and gave both of us life lessons that we will never forget :)

Here's to a new beginning!

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination; happiness is to be found along the way not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it's too late. The time for happiness is today not tomorrow." ~ Quoted by Paul H Dunn